Survival Guide for K-air-diff

Shortly, a family friend will be leaving Boston, or Canada, wherever she is, to stay with my old dear for a semester of 'college'. I thought, there is only so much you can learn from websites and travel guides, and lets face it, a lot of that info is bollocks anyway. It'll only tell you to visit the slug down the Bay, or the Millennium Stadium or the Castle. "No" I thought, what she needed was a alternative survival guide, and here it is.....

When you greet people you can use the everyday hello if you so wish - or, you can greet people, as we do in Cardiff by saying "Alright", which is pronounced as "Or-rye". This can also be, and is quite often, punctuated with a "butt", as in "Alright butt". Butt is not what we Cardiffians call an "ass", (thats "arse" to us what created the language), it is however a term of endearment.

As the title alludes to Cardiff is not pronounced Car-diff as it is spelled. It is pronounced K-air-diff. Most words with an 'ar' sound are pronounced this way. "Dark" becomes "D-air-k". (Dark is also a popular alcoholic drink in Cardiff made by Brains Breweries, and it goes lovely with a meat pie made by local pie makers 'Clarks' or Cl-air-ks as you will come to know it. Eating one of these is essential to fitting in). To be fair, the dialect and speech patterns of us Cardiff folk is pretty strange. For instance...

Sentences are punctuated with words like, "like". You'd do well to add it to the end of your sentences. For example - "I'm just going to the pub, like". A lot of people tend to use the term "innit" which is short for "isn't it", which is a question, although rhetorical. You would use this like - "I'm just going to the pub, innit?". You are not actually asking the person you are speaking to if you are going to the pub, because you already know you are. I actually have no reasonable explanation as to why we talk this way, we just do.

Other things to look out for are when we say we will do something "now in a minute". I know we can do something either now, or in a minute, but in Cardiff, when we don't want to do something instantaneously, it's "now in a minute". Also, you may be asked where something is, in which case the question posed will be "where to is that??". Yes, we actually add a random word into a sentence.

Also, if you use either a bus, or a taxi, all drivers are refered to as "drive". It doesn't matter if you grew up with the person driving and you married someone in their immediate family, the relationship you have when they are behind the wheel is you and "drive".

Finally, one last note on dialect. To say thank you, you say pretty much anything other than "thank you". "Cheers", "ta", "nice one" and "safe" are all acceptable terms in Cardiff.

As well as our intense hatred for the English (as I touched upon before) we also loath people from Swansea. It is because they are inbred and live in caravans. And smell. Badly. If you know anything of the Appalachians and the folk there, then use that train of thought for Swansea. I can hear the 'duelling banjoes' playing in your head as you read this. You MUST take every opportunity to lambaste and ridicule Swansea and it's residents. It's like a sport.

Places to avoid in Cardiff - Llanrumney, Rumney, Trowbridge, St Mellons, Grangetown, The Docks, Riverside, Tremorfa, Splott and no place more so than where I live - Ely. If anybody invites you to any of these places, fake appendicitis and run. The best way to avoid an invite to the aforementioned places is to avoid anybody named "Chardonnay" or "Nevaeh" or "Mackenzie". These are what we call "chav" names. If you don't know what a chav is, google it.

If you go to one of our many pubs, it is not permitted (morally anyway) to order a cup of tea or a coffee. People who do so should be burned at the stake. Jenny did this last night and I almost died of embarrassment. If you want tea or coffee, go to Starbucks. Any coffee/tea drinking in pubs will be deemed as unacceptable behaviour and will be frowned upon by the alcoholics in the corner. Also, I will probably personally put you on a plane back home.

Anyway, a few other pointers, if you search online for things about Wales, you will find that most sites tell you that our national dish is either 'Welsh Rarebit' (cheese on toast), 'Cawl' (a broth/stew like dish) or 'Seaweed' (erm, just seaweed). They are all lies. The national dish is a Curry. Seriously. You will eat this on a regular basis during the duration of your stay. If I was you, I'd go for a mild curry, like a Korma, Masala, Pasanda or Bhuna. Do not go straight in for a Vindaloo because bad things will happen to you the next day. I am the living embodiment of that fact as on Thursday I had a Vindaloo then spent most of the next morning stuck to the toilet.

When getting around the city, do not trust the times given on any bus stops or train stations. They are usually wrong. Buses and trains almost always run late. Or early. We have 'Arriva Trains' as our main train service provider and we have 'Cardiff Bus' as our main bus service provider. We also have a bus company called 'St Davids Travel'. Do not, under any circumstances use this service unless you want to get robbed or killed in a horrific bush crash.

While 'Public Transport' is in mind, if you need a taxi home - always phone for one. Good numbers to remember are (20) - The Cardiff phone code, then 333333 for Dragon Taxis and 555555 for Premier Cars. This is because if you use a 'black and white' you'll get a driver called 'Dilip Singh' (not that his name matters, remember) who will take you the longest route possible to rinse the meter and it'll cost you a hell of a lot more than it should.

"Big Issue Maddam?" - When walking through the town centre, if you are confronted with this greeting, smile and politely decline. Big Issue is 'allegedly' a magazine for homeless people to sell in order help them get themselves back on their feet. That is just a front. It's just putting the next bit of crack in their pipes. I know people who have been selling Big Issue for years and still are homeless. Do not feel sorry for them. Even if they have cute little doggies with them.

While walking through town, you will need to practice the 'Blue Steel' look from Zoolander. This is so people don't bother you, either peddling their wares or for whatever reason. Do not appear friendly at all. They will suck you in and ask you to fill out surveys and to give a pound to small children in India. 'Blue Steel'. It's the future.

So there you have it. That is the basic guide on how to survive in my wonderful City. Use it, pass it to a friend, burn it - I don't care. But if it saves one life then I'll be happy. It was too late for Gary Coleman, but don't let it be too late for you.